Oh Troy, Oh Greece
by rogersxstark
Summary: What if Paris and Patroclaus went to school together along with Helen and Brisies. What if Achilles had the hots for Hector but Hector was not gay. Troy and all of Greece were allies but things could go better if there weren't any bad apples
1. Really

**Troy**

Paris: Hey man, check this out. ~Throws an old eaten apple at one of the nobles and it landed on his plate~

The noble looks at his plate and yelps in disgust.

The Trojan prince and his Greek friend giggled.

Priam: Paris! ~Signals Paris to come closer~ You will not eat this noon go up to your room!

Paris: Thank you father, I didn't even want to eat around boring old fucks anyway.

Patroclus giggles.

Priam: Do you care to join him Patroclus?

Patroclus: I do care about him, so yes, I will join him.

Priam gets mad.

Noble Man: You ought to respect everyone in this kingdom boy or else you'll be facing real shame to yourself and your country.

Patroclus: I'm sure that you have faced shame the day when you were born.

All men gasping.

* * *

 **Paris' Chambers**

Priam spanking Paris

Paris: Ow! Father stop, I'm not a little baby!

Priam: Don't ~ **SMACK** ~ ever ~ **SMACK** ~ embarrass ~ **SMACK** ~ me ~ **SMACK~** like ~ **SMACK SMACK** ~ that ever again!

Priam beats Pairs until his hand burn.

Priam: Ow!

Paris: What are you fucking owing at? I'm the one who's getting a hot red ass!

Priam: I think my hand just popped.

Patroclus: Popped as in it went numb? Or your hand is so old that if you were to have a paper cut, it would shatter into million pieces?

Priam: I have not even started with you boy, so shut your mouth.

The young Greek boy looks down, after a moment Priam leaves the room.

Patroclus: Are you okay man?

Paris: You had watch me take a three fucking hours of an ass-whopping yet you ask me if I'm okay?!

Patroclus: Well I was well behaved I never got a beating like this.

Paris: Bullshit! You had insulted a nobleman and I'm the one who got an ass-whopping.

Patroclus: Dude, it is turning dark red man. You are not going to be able to sit for days.

Paris: No shit, Mr. obvious guy, it hurts like hell!

Patroclus: how bad does it hurt?

Paris: Fucking bad man, I can feel my ass burning.

Patroclus: Do you want me to kiss it for you?

Paris: Does the King of kings have a meeting? Get the fuck on.

Patroclus: He is not my king, he's my cousin's bitch.


	2. Get off

**Sparta**

Menelaus: Oh you are in big trouble young woman you just committed adultery!

Helen: And you whored yourself with all those cock loving hoes of your house!

Menelaus: Don't you talk to me that way blondie!

Helen: Hello dick head you're a blondie too! Why would my father Zeus make me marry a hair ball?

Menelaus: Oh you little...

Achilles: Alright shut up both of you! Menelaus I know that you been dishonored but it's your fault for letting such a charming prince like Paris, steal your girl under your booger filled up nose.

Helen: And don't you say anything about me, I already know I'm a female dog in heat for a male dog who doesn't have a such hairy penuis.

Achilles: Something like that. Now Helen, you need to stop your hormones of lust and stay faithful to your husband because father Zeus would die if he found out that you bored more than a liter of pups and that out of those numbers of babies there was more than five fathers involved.

Helen: Very funny son of Peleus. I also wandered, did your mother preferred our father or Peleus?

Achilles: Helen, don't you ever bring my mother into this she is not a cock sucking, pussy eating hoe bag like you.

Helen: You- you- Menelaus. Say something.

Menelaus: Ha-ha-ha-ha, that was the best insult I ever heard. Ow!

Agamemnon: Achilles, Prince Hector of Troy wants to talk to you.

~Achilles runs pass Agamemnon~

Agamemnon: Wow right after I said Hector's name he runs off.

Helen: Maybe he needs a good reason to stay away from you.

Agamemnon: Maybe your vagina turned him gay.

* * *

Achilles: My prince you called me.

Hector: Yes. And I am not your prince.

Achilles: Oh but you will be.

Odysseus: Achilles behave.

Hector: I came to talk about your cousin. Patroclaus. He is causing a lot of trouble and being a bad influence on my brother and it is getting worse every day. So my father ask you to take him with you the moment you get back to Troy and pray to be as soon as possible because he will not stand another day with your cousin living with... Achilles? What are you doing?

Achilles: Soft lips, perfect beard, firm body, strong thighs, nice feet. Beautiful...

Hector: Achilles!

Odyssues: Oh, my, God, Achilles he's married for heavens sake let go of his skirt!

~Achilles let go of Hector's kilt~

Hector: ~Steps away from Achilles and runs behind Odysseus~ You-you bastard.

Achilles: Don't worry, you will eventually like it in time.

Odysseus: Shut up Achilles! Come prince, let me take you to my house.

Achilles: Bye Prince Hector of Troy. We will see each other again. ~Achilles licks his lips~

Hector & Odysseus: Get off!

Achilles: don't worry Prince Hector, I will sail to Troy as soon as possible.

~Achilles gives Hector a smirk before leaving~

Hector: And you, this is a kilt, not a-wait what you said?

Odyssues: A woman's clothes.

Hector: Get off.


	3. Get your butt out

**Troy**

Paris: Ouch man, I will never be able to sit in days.

Patroclus: Relax man, this will sting a little ~Puts cold wet cloth on Paris sore bottom~

Paris: Ow! Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Easy Patty.

Patroclus: I'm going as easy as I can be, stop being a baby.

~Paris kicks and makes fussing sounds~

Patroclus: Oh my god you are such a spoiled brat.

Paris: Are you done yet?

Patroclus: No! Now get your perfect, girly, round tight ass in position.

Paris: Are you done yet?

Patroclus: No. ~Wipes the cloth carefully on the fading red spot~

Paris: Are you done yet?

Patroclus: I'll tell you when I am done.

~Seconds later~

Paris: Are you done yet?

Patroclus: Nope.

~Second later~

Paris: Are you done yet?

Patroclus: No.

Paris: Are you done now?

Patroclus: No.

Paris: Are you done yet?

Patroclus: Yes.

Paris: Really?

Patroclus: No!

~Seconds later~

Paris: Are you done yet?

Patroclus: Paris, I'm going to spank the shit out of you if you don't shut your pretty mouth.

Paris: Patty, I've been lying on my bed like for hours.

Patroclus: It's only been five minutes prince.

Paris: Well it was five hours for me.

Patroclus: Wow, time really flys fast for you.

Paris: Yes Patroclus, it does for me.

Patroclus: Geez, I only wish that your years would equal 20 for a year so you can grow old fast and die faster.

Paris: Well don't count on it, you jerk. Bitch.

Patroclus: **~Smack**!~

París: Ow! Ouch! What fuc-

Patroclus: ~ **Smack**!~

Paris: Ouch! Dude stop that hurts.

Patroclus: What did I say?

Paris: I thought that we are friends!

Patroclus: Get your butt off my lap!

Paris: Aren't you going to make it feel better?

Patroclus: ~Throws Paris to the floor~

Paris: Ow! My ass!

Patroclus: Gett your butt out!

Paris: Moron it's my room, you get your butt out.

Patroclus: Fine. At least mine doesn't have purple bruises and hand marks.


	4. Uh-oh

Narrator: Hector set sail to Sparta to make peace with King Menelaus. Beside him was his younger brother Paris. They intended to make an alliance but it would be broken as soon as it was formed, Queen Helen of Sparta, the most beautiful woman in the world was kidnap by Prince Paris of Troy. That would launch a thousand ships to go to Troy for the rescue of Helen and the death of Prince Paris.

~Paris comes on set~

Narrator: Wha-

Paris: Fool, we aren't going with the play.

Narrator: The productors told me to narrate "The Iliad."

Paris: Well you are most certainly trying to narrate the play.

Narrator: Is this the play or the movie?

Paris: The movie, neither they are following the whole thing in the play.

Narrator: So what movie is this?

Paris: "Troy."

Narrator: Ah f*ck this sh*t! I'm out of this b*tch!

Paris: Uh, excuse me?

Narrator: Uh-oh. Sorry your highness, I prefer the play then the movies. I never meant to be offensive.

~Moment of silence~

Narrator: Uh-oh.

Paris: Well I understand the play must be your passion and that you are at the wrong place and set must be devastating. I except your apology.

Narrator: Whew!

Paris: Now if you would please, GET YOUR SORRY A** OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS ON YOU!

Narrator: Dude, at your times they were called guards not cops.

Paris: Is the same thing. Now get out of here.

~Narrator leaves~

Patroclus: Paris, do me a favor, I'll be gone in a few years and if Achilles ever asks, tell him that I'm dead.

Paris: Why? Wait. Let me rephrase that, what did you do this time?

Patroclus: I put my cousin's amor on.

Paris: You do that all the time. You lead his myrmidons into battle and win. All your cousin is going to do is make you chop a tree, a ruin boat, logs, clean the wagons and horses.

Patroclus: No this time I'm dead. He's going to kill me.

Paris: Why?

Patroclus: Briseis thought that I was Achilles, yesterday I was drunk.

Paris: Oh no.

Patroclus: Then as a drunken person I thought yes!

Paris: Oh god.

Patroclus: Achilles told her he wasn't going to make it for the collaboration.

Paris: Please don't tell me you...

Patroclus: I don't remember, okay one thing led to another, I was victorious, then the men and I went to get drunk, meeting this hot chick, then next thing I know I'm laying in bed next to your cousin Briseis!

Paris:...

Patroclus: I'm so dead when he gets here.

Paris: Oh sh*t.

Patroclus: Couldn't say it better myself.


	5. Lion in rage

_**In the king's room...**_

{ Priam was in his room when Briseis enter and told him about the night before. }

Priam: He did what!

Briseis: I don't know exactly what happened, I was drunk uncle and it was my first and only time I ever was.

Priam: But why would you do something like that, you studied for a priestess.

Briseis: That was after my husband laid with me.

Priam: Well that was different, back then we were at war.

Briseis: Yes but I was freed from being always a virgin and not doing lots of things I can do now.

Priam: Briseis you are the king's niece and you are a role model for our people, what would people say about your behavior?

{ Paris and Patroclus comes in}

Patroclus: King Priam I have to talk to you. Oh, I guess you already know.

Priam: I don't want to talk to you.

Patroclus: Look I know that you hate me and all you want to do is to banish me from Troy.

Priam: Damn right I want to and I will!

Paris: Father please listen, Patroclus may of been much a plague to you and to the councils, advisers, nobles, and guest but he wouldn't ever done such a thing like that. If he were not drunk. The only person who would do that is your idiot of a son, me, Paris.

Priam: Oh Paris do not start that shit with me. You're awful at that.

Paris: No listen, if Patroclus was not drunk, he would never had bedded Briseis!

Priam: That boy would have done everything! He had done too much to my kingdom but this time, he has gone too far!

Patroclus: Listen grandpa! Do you think I am proud of what I've done? Well guess again, my cousin is going to kill me when he finds out, I'm already scared and dead. And Briseis has a fifty-fifty percent chance of losing a husband...

Briseis: And the other fifty?

Patroclus: I don't know.

Paris: Father you may of seen Achilles but you don't know him like Hector, Patroclus, or I do, especially Patroclus.

Priam: And do you want me to go to war just so Achilles won't spank you Patty?

Patroclus: For the love of Hera did you just call me that.

Paris: Father listen, it was a night out, that's all, Briseis and Patroclus were drunk, the only person who should be told is Achilles, he's Patroclus cousin and guardian as he's Briseis' husband.

Priam: Okay, when Achilles comes for the family reunion, you two will tell him exactly what happened in my presence. Whatever you tell him, it better be good because I don't think Achilles would hold himself before guest or nobility, not to say also royalties.

{Priam walks out of the room}{Brisies and Patroclus give Paris murdering looks}

Briseis: Now thanks to you I'm going to a hundred percent chance to lose a husband.

Patroclus: Now thanks to you I have zero percent of survival.

{Briseis and Patroclus walk out}

Paris: Yeah, the gods hate me.

* * *

Narrator: Days past when comes the day where all Greeks' Kings and warriors came to Troy to celebrate their peace years with King Priam and his kingdom. A great parade formed by the mightiest heros then a great feast. In the evening all were sitting at the King's table Achilles was seated near the Trojan King, to his side his cousin and wife. Prince Hector was not at all happy and Prince Paris was so scared. Then came the the time when the lion found out that his honor was stepped on he would roar as loud as******** What the hell? This isn't in neither the play or the movies. What is this shit?!

Cast: Dude you're ruining the whole thing just keep reading!

Narrator: Reading what?!

Cast: The paper that is in your hands!

Narrator: This!? What is this?!

Cast: It's called fanfiction and this is about writing your own version of your favorite movie, t.v. show, book, and lots of other stuff.

Narrator: But who would want a story like that? What is fanfiction?

Cast: What year are you living in?

Cast2: Guys come on, you're stealing the show.

Cast3: Dude just read the damn paper.

Narrator: I'm not reading anything! This is such nonsense!

Cast: You are nonsense!

Narrator: F**k you, I f**k*ng quit!

{Narrator walks out}

Cast2: Great, now what are we going to do?

Cast: Just keep going.

Cast3: With what?

Cast: With the fanfiction what else?

* * *

{While at the King's table}

Briseis: Um, Achilles, two weeks past I got drunk.

Achilles: Oh really? That's my girl.

Patroclus: So did I.

Achilles: That's my boy.

Priam: What? Did you two got drunk on the same day?

Briseis&Patroclus: Yes?

Achilles: What you don't know if you got drunk on the same day? You little-

Priam: Was it a night out?

Paris:{whisper} Oh no.

{Hector looks at his little brother}

Achilles: Briseis did you had a night out?

{Briseis nods}

Achilles: Alright you're first one ever, when you do it again, be sure I'm there.

Priam: Would you ever do that again Briseis?

Briseis: Um, I don't, know?

Hector:{whisper} What is going on Paris?

Paris: {whisper} Patroclus will tell in the end.

Hector:{whisper} Oh gods, what did he do now?"

Paris:{whisper} Can't tell you, not when Achilles finds out he'll be the lion again.

Hector:{whisper} Ah shit.

Achilles: Why you're are not a priestess anymore we can just do it together, alone.

Brisies: Really? I'd love too.

Priam: Anyway Briseis you were going to tell Achilles something important at dinner time that you didn't want to tell me.

Patroclus:{whisper} Bitch!

Paris:{whisper} Scum!

Briseis:{whisper} Mother f*ck*r!

Achilles: What?

Briseis: Oh nothing is just that, I um, forgot, well almost but my uncle remind me. Achilles I have to tell you something important.

...

Achilles: Well go on. I'm listening.

Briseis: Yeah just wanted to be sure.

Achilles: Briseis I'm always listening to you when you talk.

Briseis: Oh yea... What I need to tell you-

Paris: RAT!

ALL WOMEN: AAAHHHHH!

Andromache: AHH! Where!? AHH!

Hector: Ow! My love my foot! Ah my ears.

{Guards looking for the rat with spears}

Guard1: Where's the rat?

Guard2: I don't see it.

Guard3: There's no rat here.

Menelaus: There's no rat the princeling was just bluffing.

{eyes on the king's table}

Hector: Paris why in the depths of hell, would you say that?!

Paris: Uh, Patroclus you own me a thousand golden and a thousand silver coins!

Patroclus: Mother-

Achilles: Patroclus don't you ever dare Paris to do something stupid like that ever again! Do you hear?! Never!

{Silence, everyone calming down and back to normal}

Achilles: I'm sorry, please continue.

Briseis: Is the rat dead?

Priam: There no rat honey, please tell your husband to urgent news you need to tell him.

Briseis: Okay, um, Achilles, what I need to tell you is when the night when-

Patroclus: Paris behind you!

Paris: EEKKK! OFFF!

{Paris banged his head hard on the floor}

Patroclus: I got him back for all of you ladies.

All women: Thank you!

Paris: Mother-

Hector: Paris sit down! It serves you right.

{Paris picks up his chair and sits down}

Briseis: Is there somebody there?

Priam: No honey this palace is the safest of all, so you were telling Achilles?

Briseis: Right, Achilles what I need to tell you-

{Throws an apple at Patroclus}

Patroclus: Ow!

{Paris whistling-Patroclus throws a uncooked egg at Paris}

Paris: Hey! Argh!

Patroclus: You threw me an apple!

Paris: Yes but not an egg you dumbass!

Patroclus: You-

Priam: Will you both shut up already! For all the gods you two will never see each other you hear me! Briseis, what were you and Patroclus doing together that nights out?

Paris:{whisper} Oh shit. No.

Briseis: Achilles, Patroclus and I were out together drunk, and I thought...I thought that, he was you, so um, uh, uh we hanged out and...

Achilles: And what? Did something happen? Briseis tell me.

Briseis: I-I, we-I... I-

{Patroclus gets up}

Patroclus: Oh for the love of Aphrodite! We were drunk and I took your wife and bedded her!

{Silence-Achilles gets up and Patroclus sits down}

Agamemnon: Everyone get out quickly and quietly.

Trojan: Why?

Odysseus: Because this place is about to get wrecked apart.

Priam: Wait what?

* * *

{Outside the dining room of the palace}

Paris: How long will he be in there?

Odysseus: Oh, when he breaks everything.

{noises coming from the dining room}

Patroclus: Am just glad that I'm not of those chairs my cousin is breaking.

{Priam and Hector look at Patroclus disapprovalently}

Patroclus: Yes I'll go away.

{heavy wood being broke good}

Hector: Oh, you needed a new dining chair away father, that one was-

{wood cracks}

Hector: Old?

Priam: That was in the family for generations.

Hector: And it will be in history.

{cracking, breaking, ripping, glass shattering}

Paris: Everything in there is history.

Hector: Paris! Briseis, don't go in, it is your fault as it's Patroclus' you will have to face the consequences of your own actions.

Briseis: Yes uncle- I mean yes Hector.


	6. time Bomb

Paris: Dude, will your cousin ever forget that you and Briseis ever did it?

Patroclus: When he's gone to the underworld.

Paris: That bad?

Patroclus: That bad.

Paris: Man, would he kill you if he saw the chance?

Patroclus: Shh, class starting.

~Teacher comes in~

Teacher: Well class, today we are going to study the lingue of the gods and learn more about maths and astronomy. As we all know that Zeus is the youngest of all his siblings and is the king of heavens. Does anyone know why?

Patroclus:(whispering to Pairs) Because all the other gods suck.

Teacher: Yes Troilus?

Troilus: Zeus is king of the heavens because he been given lighting.

Teacher:Ah yes, very good Prince Troilus I admire you.

Patroclus:(whisper) Ptf! Who wouldn't?

Pairs: They say that he's fairer than me but it's just because he is a girl.

~Paris and Patroclus giggling~

Teacher: The reason why Cronus ate his children is to keep his throne. Paris!

~everyone turns to look at Paris~

Paris:*Gulps*

Teacher: He was given a rock to swallow and Zeus was taken away and rise in secret. When he reached maturity he went to free his brothers and sisters from his father's belly. How did he do this?

Pairs:Um. Uh. He punched the crap out of his stomach?

Teacher:~Not amused~

Patroclus:*Laughs* No you moron, he went to his fathers kingdom as a servant and put poison in his drink making him throw up his siblings. Come on, even the most idiot knows that.

Mestor: I didn't.

Agathon: Mestor be quiet!

Teacher: Well Patroclus, since you look like wanting to answer in our prince's stead, I'll like for you to answer my question.

Patroclus: In another time old man.

Teacher: What!

Paris:~Covers Patroclus' mouth~ What the idiot mute friend of mine means is that he would be all ears and is edger to answer your question.

Patroclus:*mumbling* But I don't wanna!

Paris:~Hits Patroclus~ And today is opposite day for us. Meaning that whenever we say we _don't_ or _won't_ , we mean we will and do. *Laughs nervously*

Teacher: Mm, I see. Well Patroclus, listen well.

Patroclus: *Um-um*

Paris: He's listening.

Teacher: Cronus freed his brothers from the prison his father had put them, if so then why did he put them back in the same cell again?

Patroclus:~licks Paris' hand~

Paris:~Lets go~ Ew! Greek! Sick.

Patroclus: Because they were ugly, image you wake up early morning and seeing a bunch of hideous, several heads, all over a body sing you good morning. That's why they are in jail the first place.

Teacher:*Facepalm*

Paris:~Hits Patroclus~ That's enough Patty, why won't you go back to Greece now?

Patroclus: It's across sea and I don't have a boat.

Paris: Then find a way to get back home.

Patroclus: Well I'll go to your palace's dining room.

Paris: That's off limits and it's a wreak in there, thanks to your cousin.

Patroclus: Well it makes me feel at home.

Paris: Why would a wreckage room make you feel like at home?

Patroclus: That's how hipper we get to the point of destruction. Hitting people to show how brave you are.

Paris: Patroclus, your cousin was mad. No he was angry from you going in your Greek mode and I don't want anything to happen to this beautiful salon of learning.

Patroclus: But why would you care about this salon if you don't even study or pay atten-

Paris: JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AND GO GET DRUNK! YOU GREEK BUT PLEASE DON'T SLEEP WITH ANYONE'S WIFE! (whispers) That's my job.

Patroclus: Fine bitch.~Leaves salon~

Teacher: *Huffs* Why couldn't you do that earlier?

Paris: I'm saving it for last.

Teacher: Last?

Patroclus:~Comes back in~ Hell no, are you crazy? No one tells me what to do!

Paris: You literally did what I just told you.

Patroclus: And you think that just because you went bad prince, you can order people around.

Paris: Ah Patroclus, I am the king's son, more respect.

Patroclus: They left you in a fucking mountain to die when you were BORN!

All of Priam's sons: Ah shit!

Paris:*Sobbing* What? Is this true Hector?!

Patroclus:~Realizing what he had cause~ What did you think that your beauty close to Troilus was that of Apollo, of course they choose him over you. ~Well not really~

Pammon: Shut it Greek!

Dius: Don't you realize what you've done?!

Patroclus: Oh come on, he knows that I'm kidding. I mean it's not like you never told him.

~Silence~

Patroclus: Wait, you haven't?

Deiphobus: How did you know about that?

Hector:~Goes to Paris~ Paris, look we were going to tell you but that-

Paris: Tell me when? Hector? When you are a drunken sult! I trusted you!

Hector: Believe me, if it were up to me I would have tell you.

Paris: But you didn't!

Hector: Well that was up-

Paris: And you said that you wouldn't do anything to hurt me!

Hector: No Paris I wouldn't-

Paris: So you lied to me, you bastard!

Hector: No! Paris please let me-

Paris: I trusted you with all of me and you shattered me!

Hector: Please brother let me-

Paris: Don't call me brother you monster!

Hector: Paris please calm down.

Paris: Don't tell me to calm down! All this time I trusted you and you betrayed me! You never told me that I was not wanted by our father, if you would have just left me alone with my adopted father I would have been much happier than being in this bitch with cha'll! I would still be that bastard that father was glad to get rid of and never to worry about again. See how I almost got our or should I say, your city destroyed, sacked, burned to the ground!

Hector: Paris please let me explain.

Paris: Shut up! Shut yo ass up! I don't-

Patroclus:~Super Lee kick to the face of Paris~

Paris:~Gets knock out~

~Priam's son and the teacher look at Patroclus~

Patroclus: What?! He was getting too emotional for me to hear anymore!

* * *

~Hector carries Paris to his room~

Hector: The next time you want to knock out a time bomb, make sure he's in the bed. Father! Come here.


End file.
